I first encountered sleep disturbances around the age of fifteen. From the age of eighteen, I found myself wide awake at night. The toughest period was when I was around age twenty-one. Now I'm twenty-nine. I can sleep.
Until now, I haven't dared to look back at this experience. Whenever I tried, darkness would engulf me once again. I wasn't resistant to it. I couldn't look at this experience from a distance. I couldn't talk or write about it without a therapeutic context. Now, as I write this text, I'm prepared for it, and simultaneously, I feel an echo of a certain force vibrating, growing within my stomach and chest as if it's taking hold of me again. As if it intends to claim me entirely. And so it did. Insomnia took me and led me into the darkest night of life. I remember lying in bed in my room with closed eyes, waiting for morning. The first chirps of birds were the most terrifying. It meant that the morning had broken in the world, yet my inner night continued. And it continued for about ten years.
I briefly tried medication. It made me feel worse, it was difficult to work, and it nauseated me. So, I decided to create a life where there was room for insomnia. I also leaned towards holistic treatment methods.
I have only a few notes from the earliest period: the first three or four years of insomnia. On December 29, 2012, I wrote: "I entered into the darkness... into boundless darkness. It's not emptiness, it's night with flickering artificial lights." In my journal, I find another sentence written over a span of a few days: "I slept poorly, maybe only about 3 hours. Probably due to solar magnetic storms. I need to drink a lot of water." Later it turned out that insomnia wasn't a result of solar magnetic storms. It continued even after the storms ended.
I began to document my more detailed journey only from January 2017. By that time, I was 22 years old. I had already started my healing journey in therapy. From this early period, there are only memories of great fatigue and fear left. It's as if every day I was descending down the stairs into the darkest corner of my soul. There were many bright people around me who softened this journey. But I had to descend alone nonetheless.
Now, as I look at myself, this young girl desperately trying to cling to life, seeking ways to sleep, rest, accomplish planned tasks, pass exams, finish studies, I have only one aspiration - to be next to her. Not to speak, not to touch, just to be, to walk beside her. This girl doesn't yet know that insomnia took her into the darkest night to teach her about light. That this is the beginning of a journey that will open up possibilities for authenticity, uniqueness, and deep empathy to merge into her life. That this long night will open the gates to femininity, sensuality, and true sexuality. That it will help her find a deep connection with her body, the earth, and the souls of others. And most importantly, she will realize that her courage and passion will unlock the deepest secrets of life itself.
Are you ready to embark on your journey of self-discovery and healing? Connect with Ingrida Danyte at email@example.com, a passionate Somatic Movement Therapist, and begin your transformative journey today.